Dead Inside ..I’m Not Dead Yet….

 

 I have been dealing with cancer for 10 years.  I am perfectly aware of my condition.  In fact I have been putting together things for the last couple of weeks for some things I need to file, and have been down memory lane. The surgeries, the biopsies, the pain, the various drug combinations and the damage caused to my body.  

But during this time I have been doing a ton of things.  Triathlon. Photography. Even saved a life as a member of the South Orangetown Ambulance Corps.

Most of my cancer is now controlled in my on-going game of whack-a-mole.   But a few tumors need the special attention due to their location.   Obviously this will not cure my of my cancer.  That ship sailed a long time ago.   It has been palliative treatment for years.  

The proton therapy will check these tumors, prevent damage to the surrounding organs, will have less side effects (I have had effects from standard radiation, which is why I had my walking ability trashed) and will let me continue my whack-a-mole.  But since I have so much cancer, as far as the insurance company is concerned, it is not worth it for me to get the treatment.   I figured that I would get at least another year or so, probably more, with these being treated since the drug trial is looking like it may keep things in check longer.  I am a fan of zombie movies and Monty Python.  The Zombies are often locked into rooms with a big warning “Dead Inside.”  Somehow I am now on the wrong side of the door.  Next I will see Eric Idle pushing a cart.  Eric, I’m not dead yet.

So to see this in writing is still a bit of a gut-punch, despite the fact that I know I will be able to get the treatment I need despite the insurance company.  But I have started coughing up some blood.  Would have been nice to have been done with this at this point and could get back to the business of doing everything I can to stay alive and continuing enjoying life despite having cancer.  

Could Have Made it :)

   Back in 2000 I was close to getting my black belt in karate.  One of the requirements was being able to do a  a sub 10 minute mile.  That was something I knew I could never do.  I never was a good runner.   I did not finish my training due to other circumstances.

Fast forward ahead to October 13, 2017.  I opened up a CT scan report which showed the cancer had spread and was basically incurable.  Happy birthday.

So when one last scan happened in December, 2017 showing no mistake I started triathlon training.

By August, 2018 it was clear I would have to get radiation then go back on chemo due to the tumors in my lungs an spine.

 Did a half-marathon, followed by a 70.3 then had radiation.  I was really happy when they did those treatments.  The pain in my spine was pretty bad.  This was the beginning of October.  The pain started to subside and on October 13, 2018, one year after my cancer was pretty clear to be incurable, 2 years after having part of my left lung removed and a few days after radiation to tumors in my back and spine, I ran a 5K to celebrate my birthday.  

Lo and behold, I did a 10:57 pace on my Garmin (my official time was hire.) Looking back, I guess I could have done a 10 minute mile back in 2000.  The things your learn…