I was feeling tired today. One of those tireds where I just wanted to sleep. If I woke up, throw on the TV, then fall back asleep. I figured I had a long couple of days. We drove back and forth to Cleveland for a funeral for a family member. We headed out Sunday. Monday turned into a sleep day. We went to be maybe midnight on Sunday, and other than a brief interruption for a phone call at around 9:00AM I slept until 1:30PM.
So sleeping late the day after returning seemed okay. I did have plans - pick up my steroids, get some packages from UPS with cameras that had been serviced and then shoot some baseball and lacrosse. But it seemed to be too much. Then I realized that my fentanyl patch was overdue to be changed. Recently I have determined that if I am late in changing the patch that I can feel tired. A day or two it may not make a difference. But starting at day 3, it usually will. So I forced myself to change the patch, then rested a bit. Then I started watching TV a bit more. To actually watch the shows. Often the shows just occupy me briefly until I fall asleep. I choose shows that I have watched multiple times or which do not require real attention. The sound also helps with my tinnitus. But then I was semi-watching a bit more. And I pushed to watch. 10 minutes without dozing. 15 minutes. I was coming out of the tired, or so I hoped.
I got up and put on my jeans. Then I got one of the strange hits. Where I get chills. Then overheated. Then just a general weird feeling coupled with nausea. I knew what that meant. Pain was happening. It just is my body often exhibits pain in off ways. I did a quick mental check and realized I did not take any pills for awhile. I am constantly trying to avoid the pills. At one point I had them down to once a day or once every other day. Then the myocitios hit, which was the precursor to me eventually me having the difficulty in standing or walking. So pills went up then.
But since I started the steroids to address the nerve damage, the pain seemed to decrease and I started reducing the pain pills. But the last couple of weeks the pain kicked back up. Could be from dropping the steroids. Could be from me trying to walk more. Could just be one of those flare ups from cancer and all the things going on in my spine and otherwise.
So back to being a bit more mindful of the pain flares. And today was a hidden one. Took the pills, and they worked. Things evened out. The nausea stopped. The amped up feeling - kind of having your body electrified or something - came down.
Then I was not tired. I started feeling okay. I started feeling like I could do what I needed to do. Getting in and out of the car, walking, picking things up are all more challenging. Things that require more mindfulness. More mindfulness to break through the pain and awkwardness of doing it. But it turned positive and I was back to smiling. Got into the car. It turned over without a jump. (My battery often dies with gaps in starting it based on my health.). Went and got my camera things. But that time I was smiling and talkative to the UPS personal. They are people I know pretty well through the years and we often talk. So it is something that make me happy. Getting out and seeing people.
Picked up my steroids, then headed over to shoot baseball and lacrosse. I was happy. Back doing what I love and getting steps in. I may not yet be running or biking. But I am moving. Moving around to find angles to get good photos. Moving around and seeing my step counter/distance move up. Even if I am not exercising and not pushing things, when I am moving I know I am not giving up. It may not be a 70.3, but getting past a mile is always something. In my mind if I am moving a mile, my mind is “I am not capitulating to this.”
Made over 1.5 miles and got a ton of photos. Then tomorrow I will be going to my main baseball place. The place that marks time and that I keep on going despite what is going on.
Sure, got some more issues to deal with, but I am ready to keep on going on.
