Ich bin ein

 I have been going to PT for a bit, and they recommended going to a rehabilitation doctor to perhaps get a brace to help with my back.

So I got an appointment and saw them today. I met first with a resident and went through everything. They were new at MSK and were doing a 6 week rotation, so though they had some records, they were not complete. So I had to go through everything that happened the last year, plus some fill in the blank s/overview for the last 8 years. I was on a chair when they came in, I stood up. They wanted to know if I could stand, walk to the exam table, do I fall. I said "I did a 5K on the treadmill last night. I do have pain, my legs are numb and have shooting pain, it is not comfortable, but I do not have PAIN, so I can do things. Albeit not very comfortably sometimes."  

Eventually we worked our way to the more fun part of every exam - poop and fart jokes. Don't judge me. You ask me how my bowel movements are doing, you are going to get the response of a 5 year old. Or the response any adult male. They key is in finding the proper poop or fart joke based on the phrasing of the question. That is what separates the professionals from the amatuer. 

"How are your bowel movements?"  

"Fine, how are yours?" is a proper response. 

"How are your bowel movements?" 

Hmmm. I was going to try to put an example of an improper response. Instead I have come up with a few responses to use at some other times. I just can't turn it off.

But I digress. Now where was I. Oh right.

The resident was laughing. I just fed into it. They also confessed that fart jokes are funny. She knew the best because she had three older brothers. You see? It is not just me. 

Okay, now I am seriously done digressing.  

I mentioned that my legs from my hips to my knees are tingling/number/low pain. A bit difficult to describe, but I noticed this before. If I recall correctly, during the period leading up to my surgery. I felt it during the time when well enough to start training in September. It dissipated during my pain blow-up of October through the beginning of December. It then came back.  

The doctor came in an examined me. She confirmed what I suspected. The pain I had pre-surgery, post-surgery and during the pain blow-up was masking the numbness and other issues in my legs. So when the back is good, the legs can complain and be noticed. When the back is out of control, the issue with the legs are so relatively minor as to be non-existent. (The back pain also helped mask my tinnitus. So I guess there are some benefits ;)) 

They legs may resolve, but when I discussed that with the doctor did not come across as they will resolve. Or that they may may resolve. It was more they may, kind of perhaps maybe, kind of, perhaps (Yes, at least two perhaps effectively) may resolve.

The doctor said with my L2 issues, is a good thing I have any feeling in the legs. As compared to no feeling. So the 'may' resolve is not an absolute no. But if you are going to bet on my legs resolving OR the NY Giants running the table this post-season, GO BIG BLUE!!! (I am thinking of maybe signing for one of those gambling apps and taking them over the Vikings at the very least.)

The doctor and the rest of the staff were great, and analyzed things well for me. She quickly saw that my hamstrings are tight and that I need to make them a priority.  

They also said that my muscles and posture are not really bad. The surgery and muscles are pulling me forward, but I need minor bracing to help, not a full blown Tinker Toy set-up. They said I don’t need really extreme bracing, just enough to remind me to straighten up every time my posture is off. Like a cattle prod. A new marketing slogan "Pavlov - not just for dogs anymore."

I mentioned the whole triathlon thing. They said no need to wear the brace when running for fear of chafing. I may test it anyway, since they said it would otherwise be fine for running. Better posture (and loosening those hamstrings) should help.  

They also recommended swimming as being good for me. So I said I would check into going back to the health club that I went to until Covid hit.

Then the bombshell. The absolute bombshell that shook me to my core. They said I had to become one of "them," in addition to swimming. Any triathlete know what I am talking about when I say "them" and swimming.  

The people who take up a whole damn lane walking back and forth across the pool. Each one taking up a whole damn lane, when you can have 10 people going around and around in a loop. Try to suggest that that move to one side of the lane, or G-d forbid, another lane where there is one person walking back and forth, and you risk your life. Or a dress down that only a elderly grandmother or grandfather can bring. So I am now one of them. 

I am now shopping for a bathing cap. No, not a swim cap. Like the cool ones they give you when you do a triathlon. I am going for an out and out bathing cap. Like the one my grandmother wore when walking back and forth in the swimming pool at the condominium she lived in. I remember the sight of my grandma, and all the other grandmothers, with the caps covered with plastic flowers of all shapes, sizes and colors. You could not see the cap. You can only see various odes to fauna not found in nature. Sick, twisted versions of lily pads that were not gently floating on the water. Instead the went back and forth. Some weird alien life form that you knew you should not step in front of.

That is my fate.  

I knew cancer was bad, but it is only know that the true horror has manifested itself.

I need to get past this. Mental toughness. I am just a really bad swimmer and my body position is off. My legs hang because I am not keeping my head forward and reaching my arms down enough. That's it. It just looks like I am walking. Yeah, that's it. I am not one of them.  

Now where did I put my prunes......

Ich bin ein Alte Kaker